Category Archives: books

Little, yellow, different

No.  Not Nuprin, but my anti-anxiety drug, a stronger one than I used to take.

It’s been a long sev­eral days, and I shan’t/won’t go into details, other than to say the following.

Crazy peo­ple are liars.

They lie to them­selves about how much they can han­dle, until they just can’t any­more.  In the mean­time, they pre­tend that they’re fine and go through their day, smil­ing and cook­ing and work­ing and doing all the things that make it seem like they function.

At least until they don’t.

Some­times, they rec­og­nize in enough time that they can’t, and they take their anti-anxiety pills (or what­ever it is that tames that roar­ing beast inside their head that threat­ens to kill that last sense of Self.)  Some­times, when all their mul­ti­plic­i­tous stres­sors pile on and smother and threaten to drown their psy­ches at once, they even rec­og­nize through all the sob­bing and feel­ings of com­plete, utter fail­ure, total aban­don­ment and rejec­tion, feel­ings of worth­less­ness and use­less­ness and the bur­den they (think that they) are and they’re con­tem­plat­ing all those lovely pills in the bath­room, the ones that if you just take enough, well, all those wor­ries will just go away– some­times they take just one or two more of those anti-anxiety pills, just enough so they can sleep and wake up in the morn­ing, the drugs like an oil-slick over the panic and worry that threat­ens to drown them.

It lets them bring out into day truths they’ve been too scared to say– for what­ever rea­son.  Because frankly, once you’ve already admit­ted that you might need the hos­pi­tal because you’re afraid you might take all the pills in the cab­i­net, every­thing else seems, well, pretty small in com­par­i­son.  (For the record, I’m fine, or at least work­ing on it.)

So.  If you want to under­stand what your beloved crazy/depressed/bipolar per­son is lying about, I highly rec­om­mend that you read not a med­ical book about the dis­ease that they’re suf­fer­ing some or some gen­eral mag­a­zine arti­cle, but a first-hand account from some­one who’s been there.

Kay Red­field Jamison’s An Unquiet Mind is an account by a renowned psy­chol­o­gist of liv­ing with Bipo­lar I.  I’ve never been manic/psychotic like she, but her account of her dis­may of being smart and wor­ry­ing about the loss of her mind, and her accounts of her depres­sion, her sense of loss, sense of self– they are price­less and perfect.

William Styron’s Dark­ness Vis­i­ble is a short, con­cise, utterly accu­rate account of both depres­sion and the black despair that sur­rounds some­one who’s think­ing about killing themselves.

There are oth­ers, like The Noon­day Demon and Lonely which also tell aching, true stories.

None of these will fully explain your loved one’s crazy behav­ior, but they will at least give you some insight into the black depths they can feel, even if you’ve never felt it your­self, never imag­ined feel­ing that way.  It’s inex­plic­a­ble, some­times, why the moods will come on, and other times, it’s com­pletely within rea­son to under­stand why some­one freaks out– and yet the freak­ing out is beyond their con­trol.  The only thing that is in their con­trol is those nice lit­tle pills.

Yel­low and small, an oil slick of calm, cool and col­lected until the cri­sis is past, some­thing to let the crazy one think past all the things that are caus­ing the stress and think, if not this too shall pass, then at least, what next.

What next, indeed?  Some­thing dif­fer­ent, one hopes.

On writing and reading

The Sun­day Times Book Review has an arti­cle about a new book– a tran­scrip­tion, really, and I’ve read the advance copy, it’s well worth the read– of an inter­view between the late, great David Fos­ter Wal­lace and the Rolling Stone reporter and writer David Lip­sky as Wal­lace is doing his book tour after Infi­nite Jest had come out.

I have a con­fes­sion to make.  I have never read Infi­nite Jest, for no par­tic­u­lar rea­son except that I was in a Dou­glas Cou­p­land phase at the time it came out.  But– I have read (and re-read, and re-read) Broom of the Sys­tem, Wallace’s very first book, in an advance copy, because my aunt designed the book when she was at Crown or Har­court or whomever first pub­lished that book.  And I have a first edi­tion hard­cover copy of Broom, prob­a­bly lit­er­ally hot off the presses, because I raved to my Aunt about what a great book it was, how it blew me away because at age 14 or what­ever I was when I read it, I was blown away by the author’s refusal to pan­der, to not avoid dif­fi­cult things, intel­lec­tual things that might make the reader take pause to look up things with which he was unfa­mil­iar.  (I spent a whole after­noon look­ing up Wittgen­stein, for exam­ple, and went out and bought an Everyman’s Library primer to get myself more acquainted with his ideas, Wal­lace had so affected me with way he’d woven the ref­er­ences inside the book.)

This arti­cle brought it all back, and reminded me again of some of the things I’ve been learn­ing and decid­ing for myself as I try out this whole writ­ing thing.  I’d men­tioned a while ago I’ve been play­ing around with fan­fic­tion– though it’s not really play­ing, because I think any writ­ing deserves to be done seri­ously, even if I’m work­ing with some­one else’s orig­i­nal char­ac­ters.  But it’s given me a chance to work with voice and nar­ra­tive struc­ture in an envi­ron­ment where peo­ple tend to be mostly sup­port­ive and there­fore have given me the courage to write some­thing orig­i­nal of my own– and what’s ref­er­enced in the arti­cle– it’s funny.

The ten­sions there between “dif­fi­cult” fic­tion– the kind that pro­vokes the reader to think, to do some work, to be chal­lenged on an emo­tional level– and the allure of escapist or pop­u­lar fic­tion, the kind of pulp guilty plea­sure we all enjoy every once in a while–it’s some­thing I’ve even come up against in writ­ing in the fan­fic­tion world (which a lot of “seri­ous authors” scorn and treat as a bunch of abom­i­na­tion vile ripoffs), and while I’ve been lucky to become a semi-popular writer in the fan­doms I write in, I’m not the most pop­u­lar of all– because I don’t write the cute easy themes, and I tend to visit dark places in some of my sto­ries.  I use big words, I play around with chronol­ogy, I switch the nar­ra­tive stream– I don’t make it easy on read­ers, in short.

I took part in a several-months con­test of late, and while my entries always placed high in the vote with my team, gar­ner­ing lots of pos­i­tive com­ments, I never won.  I’m con­vinced it’s because I wrote things that while true to the par­tic­u­lar prompts, my sub­jects tended to be harder, more emo­tion­ally honest/brutal approaches to things than some read­ers really wanted to deal with.  And they rarely were fluffy or cute– and even when they were, there was always still some larger, dark point to be made.  It didn’t make me a “worse” writer than the peo­ple who won– just less “popular.”

““If the writer does his job right, what he basi­cally does is remind the reader of how smart the reader is,” he says. Wal­lace con­trasts lit­er­a­ture with the elec­tronic media, espe­cially tele­vi­sion, an amuse­ment that is his own per­sonal weak­ness, an actual addic­tion. “One of the insid­i­ous lessons about TV is the meta-lesson that you’re dumb. This is all you can do. This is easy, and you’re the sort of per­son who really just wants to sit in a chair and have it easy.””

That’s how Wal­lace describes the ten­sion at one point in the inter­view, and while it’s a bit reduc­tion­ist– some­times we’ve had a hard day and we deserve a light laugh– his point remains true.

Every day in the store, peo­ple come to me to ask for rec­om­men­da­tions, and half the time, they’re ask­ing me if I’ve read some­thing I think is absolute trash.  I mean– Twi­light?  Dan Brown?  Come ON.

There are romance writ­ers who write bodice rip­pers who still man­age to write female hero­ines who’ve got spine, spunk and brains who I can rec­om­mend with a con­science.  Fan­tasy and sci-fi writ­ers too.  Same thing with mys­ter­ies and action.  There are pulp genre mass-market writ­ers who gen­er­ate entertainment-type beach reads that are still good writ­ers, and by that, I mean, they work in some kind of emo­tional res­o­nance, try to make their char­ac­ters peo­ple who learn some kind of intel­li­gent les­son or do some kind of good in the world, whether or not most of it’s fluff.  But there’s so much trash out there that just turns my stom­ach, and I think of all the peo­ple who read this mind­less trash and think that it’s good or just don’t think at all and just keep buy­ing it over and over with­out pay­ing any atten­tion to all the real writ­ing out there, the things that might chal­lenge them, make them do some work in their lives, do bet­ter, be bet­ter, learn some­thing about the larger world that they’d never known before then.

Scary shit, hunh?

I was talk­ing with the hus­band when we were away for the week­end, and say­ing how I thought that in some ways, rec­om­mend­ing a book was an incred­i­bly inti­mate act.  You’re telling some­one about some­thing that was impor­tant to you– that influ­enced what you thought, how you felt (even if you don’t come right out and say so)– and you’re putting into their hands a tool that has the power to affect them the same way.  Whether it does, whether it doesn’t– well, there’s no power over that except their own recep­tiv­ity and per­haps the power of your con­vic­tion at the time of your rec­om­men­da­tion, but still.  Words have power, if the per­son read­ing them is in a place to see and read them.  And while you have no power over how a per­son inter­prets those words, the mere fact that they’re read­ing and may see them the same way you do– well.  I dwell in pos­si­bil­ity (poetry or prose.)

Next week’s my extra 10% on my employee dis­count “employee appre­ci­a­tion” week.  I’ll be adding the rest of Wallace’s works to my shelf.  And feel­ing bet­ter about not tak­ing the easy way out, even if it means it takes me a while to write hard, orig­i­nal sto­ries that may take a long, good while for any­one to actu­ally like, much less want to publish.

And this is why I’ll hold on to my (cook)books

There’s a May 24 col­umn from Pete Wells in the Din­ing sec­tion of the NYT about not hav­ing access to his cook­books since they’re boxed up for a move.  He relates a lost­ness he feels, not hav­ing access to those pages, yet talks about how, not being teth­ered to the recipes, he’s in some ways freed to make things up in a way he wouldn’t feel able to do if he had the books open before him, and how it’s loos­ened (and per­haps made more deli­cious?) his cook­ing in a way he hadn’t ever expected.  But he also talks about miss­ing the books and miss­ing all the lit­tle dis­cov­er­ies that you make as you’re look­ing for some­thing else while you’re read­ing– that one piece of wis­dom you weren’t hop­ing to find, that author’s cer­tain com­mand­ment, that a-ha moment when you find some­thing that just inspires you in a way you haven’t been inspired before.

The fact that he could resort to the Inter­net for the indi­vid­ual recipes didn’t allow for that bit, not at all.

I know just what he means.  The art of the browse, the soak­ing up of the author’s aes­thetic, the “get” of the feel– the dribs and drabs of the Inter­net age (and I’m not talk­ing about e-books, because those are dif­fer­ent, much as the aes­thet­ics of paper and flip­ping through things are a dif­fer­ent sub­ject and essay entirely) don’t allow for the reader to just mar­i­nate in the wis­dom of Judy Rodgers’ Zuni Cafe Cook­book (and I know exactly which recipe Wells refers to in his col­umn, it’s a rub I use on all of my meats, it almost seems like, the thing is mag­i­cal, really) and her bril­liant idea of dry-brining her poul­try and meats.  You have to read the book most of the way through, or at least sit down with it for a while and really have a good graze in order to get it, get her– it’s sim­ple, in some ways, but in other ways not, because she’s insis­tent on the absolute best, and there are cer­tain com­mand­ments, cer­tain things you always must do.

It’s that way with lots of my favorite cook­book writ­ers and authors.  Julia Child, Deb­o­rah Madi­son, Susan Her­mann Loomis, Jacques Pepin, Dorie Greenspan, Amanda Hesser, David Lebovitz, Molly Stevens, Nigel Slater, Eliz­a­beth David, Simon Hop­kin­son, Clau­dia Roden, Mark Bittman.  I don’t always cook from their books, but I own most of the things that they’ve writ­ten.  Hell– I don’t often cook from their books, because by this point, I’m a pretty good cook, and I don’t really need recipes to come up with some­thing to eat.

What I need, though, is the reminders– the aes­thet­ics, the inspi­ra­tions, the ideas that prompted me to cook in the first place.  When I look at my fridge and say “ugh,” because I don’t know what to cook, don’t feel inspired, I can return to my very full cook­book shelves and pull down one of my books, even at ran­dom, and page through the index, look­ing for wis­dom to hit me broad­side again.  My cook­ing isn’t one style, and it’s because of these authors– but it’s some­thing unique, drawn from all of their pages.  With­out hav­ing flipped through all those indices, all of those mul­ti­ple books’ mul­ti­ple pages– some­times in bed, since I’m obses­sive like that, I wouldn’t be the cook that I am.

So, Mr. Wells, I hope you get your cook­books unpacked soon– and when you do, I hope your new sense of being less tied to recipes lets you draw inspi­ra­tion wher­ever you will, and return to your beloveds as often as needed.  Because every flour coated,  oil-spattered page is far more beloved than any lap­top perched on a microwave with a recipe open from some perfectly-respectable-but-it’s-not-the-same-thing-at-all-Internet-recipe-site.

Long live the phys­i­cal cookbook.

Provincetown, 2010

We finally had a long-ish week­end away. We spent the week­end in Province­town, at the tip of Cape Cod. There was walk­ing– and eat­ing greasy Por­tuguese sand­wiches for break­fast includ­ing a custardy-yum pasteis de nata and fab­u­lous fish and chips for din­ner one night and another HOMGYUM break­fast oh, there was laugh­ing and talk­ing and just so much time together. A good time was had. Most def­i­nitely.  I’ve got hun­dreds of pic­tures, includ­ing some lovely long walks at the beach, but Provincetown’s not all just that.  There were some really inter­est­ing chairs, for example.

I know.  Chairs, right?

There were light fix­tures, dogs and boats, too.  And of course, there was the beach.  And the flow­ers.  The whole set is here if you’re feel­ing like you just can­nae wait for the stories.

(Also– shame­less plug is totally shame­less.  The bak­ery and the totally-NOT-twee as-I’d-expected tea house we stopped at in Sand­wich on the way back were fea­tured in this book which you should come buy at MY store in Chest­nut Hill because we’re hav­ing a con­test all over the state and I want to win, damnit.  And it’s a good book– so far, the rec­om­men­da­tions seem to be sound.  J/K.  You could buy it online or at your local retailer of books, etc., but it’s still a good book.)

Shakshuka and more of the poached egg chronicles (but Jenn, just add more feta)

Deb at Smit­ten Kitchen had this recipe for Shak­shuka, an Israeli Spicy Tomato Stew with Poached Eggs that I really wanted to try.  See, it looked really easy, a one pot dish that you built by lay­er­ing fla­vors, and when the stew was basi­cally done, you popped in a few eggs and poached them in the cooked liq­uid, then spooned them out into bowls, sprin­kled them over with feta and pars­ley and voila, BOOM, dinner.

See?  Doesn’t it look just yummy?

It was just that easy, and ooh, it was awe­some.  Espe­cially because I tried this new Rhode Island feta that I bought at the Ded­ham Whole Foods.  But for those of you who don’t like poached eggs, the stew base is deli­cious and spicy and yum.   I made it with 2 jalapenos, not three, and did the jalapenos, not the Ana­heim Chiles.  If you’re not a fan of poached eggs,  you could totally poach some fish or scal­lops or shrimp in the liq­uid, or just add more feta.  (Yes, Jenn, I tried it with­out the egg for break­fast this morn­ing.  It’s awe­some with­out the egg and just a lit­tle more cheese.)

I did devi­ate from Deb’s recipe in one way.  She sug­gests you serve it with pita, and I didn’t do that since I’m try­ing to get back to gluten-free eat­ing.  What I did instead is make socca.

Socca?  What’s this?  It’s chickpea-flour flat­bread, made from Bob’s Red Mill chick­pea flour I bought at my co-op.  Bob’s rocks, plain and sim­ple.  I keep the open pack­ages in the freezer in a ziploc after they’re open, since the bean flours tend to go ran­cid.  Here’s what it looked like, after it baked.

My recipe is based on the one in Fran McCullough’s Liv­ing Low Carb, page 135.  Since I mod­i­fied it a bit, I’ll post it here.

1 cup room tem­per­a­ture water
2/3 c chick­pea flour
3 tbsps extra vir­gin olive oil
1 tsp salt
5–6 grinds fresh black pep­per
Penzey’s rose­mary pow­der and/or finely chopped dried or fresh rose­mary nee­dles, at least 1/4 tsp.

Mix all ingre­di­ents in a bowl, whisk­ing until all lumps are gone.  Let sit for one hour.

Pre­heat oven to 500F.  In some­thing smaller than a sheet pan (this is why mine looks uneven and ragged, all the right pans for this recipe hap­pened to be dirty last night)– you want some­thing more like a round pizza pan or a 10–12 inch oven-proof skil­let, oil the pan with more olive oil, pour the bat­ter, then put it in to bake until set, approx. 6 minutes.

Turn on the broiler, take out the socca and spray/drizzle the top with more oil before putting it under the heat to crisp until golden brown, 3–5 min­utes.  Sprin­kle with salt and pep­per if you like (I didn’t, because I like my bat­ter pre-seasoned, I don’t think it needs any more), cut into wedges, and serve.