“…and whether pigs have wings.”

I’ve been writ­ing here, on and off, seri­ously and less than so, since 2007.  But of late, things have been chang­ing because, well– I have been chang­ing a lot in my per­sonal life the last sev­eral years.  For bet­ter or worse, this blog doesn’t quite fit who I am or who I want to be any more.

I still am bipo­lar– I always will be– but that’s not all of who I am, and I’m try­ing to define all of the things that I am besides my men­tal health, and fig­ur­ing out what’s my per­son­al­ity, what’s my pathol­ogy, and how to inter­weave all of those threads into a coher­ent life that I feel is worth liv­ing is a strug­gle that I need to rela­bel– not so much as being bipo­lar as being a grownup who can iden­tify the things that she wants and work on try­ing to make those things actu­ally happen.

I’m trained as a lawyer, but the com­pet­i­tive­ness, argu­men­ta­tive­ness, the nit­pick­i­ness, the focus on trees to the dis­re­gard of the for­est?  Those are things I need to work on and try to move past, because they’re not qual­i­ties that I want to have at the fore­front of how I express myself and inter­act with most people.

Cook­ing?  I still do it, but between the wors­en­ing gluten intol­er­ance and the anorexia my mood-stabilizer instills in me, it’s kind of a crap­shoot whether I can muster the inter­est in eat­ing, much less gag down all the food on my plate and man­age a week’s meals on a reg­u­lar basis.  Out­wardly, right now I am thin, but inside I grew up a fat kid with food issues who knows her weight loss is med-driven.  Com­pli­ments on my appear­ance mess me way the hell up.  Defin­ing myself as a cook is iffy as hell, and I’ve got all these pho­tos of dishes I cook wast­ing away on my hard drive because I can’t find it in me to blog about food any­more.  I’m not hun­gry any­more.

I will likely find a new time and place to talk about many things, from ships and  shoes to seal­ing wax to the newest YA release to  whether it sucks that women’s use of makeup in the work­place achieves bet­ter sales (it does suck, but it works, in my hum­ble opin­ion).  It won’t, how­ever, be here, because peo­ple change and need to make new places for them­selves some­times. I find that I’m at that place,  now.

Thank you to all of you who’ve read here and been such very good friends.  You’re all won­der­ful, and I can still be reached at bipolarlawyercook@gmail.com.