I’ve been writing here, on and off, seriously and less than so, since 2007. But of late, things have been changing because, well– I have been changing a lot in my personal life the last several years. For better or worse, this blog doesn’t quite fit who I am or who I want to be any more.
I still am bipolar– I always will be– but that’s not all of who I am, and I’m trying to define all of the things that I am besides my mental health, and figuring out what’s my personality, what’s my pathology, and how to interweave all of those threads into a coherent life that I feel is worth living is a struggle that I need to relabel– not so much as being bipolar as being a grownup who can identify the things that she wants and work on trying to make those things actually happen.
I’m trained as a lawyer, but the competitiveness, argumentativeness, the nitpickiness, the focus on trees to the disregard of the forest? Those are things I need to work on and try to move past, because they’re not qualities that I want to have at the forefront of how I express myself and interact with most people.
Cooking? I still do it, but between the worsening gluten intolerance and the anorexia my mood-stabilizer instills in me, it’s kind of a crapshoot whether I can muster the interest in eating, much less gag down all the food on my plate and manage a week’s meals on a regular basis. Outwardly, right now I am thin, but inside I grew up a fat kid with food issues who knows her weight loss is med-driven. Compliments on my appearance mess me way the hell up. Defining myself as a cook is iffy as hell, and I’ve got all these photos of dishes I cook wasting away on my hard drive because I can’t find it in me to blog about food anymore. I’m not hungry anymore.
I will likely find a new time and place to talk about many things, from ships and shoes to sealing wax to the newest YA release to whether it sucks that women’s use of makeup in the workplace achieves better sales (it does suck, but it works, in my humble opinion). It won’t, however, be here, because people change and need to make new places for themselves sometimes. I find that I’m at that place, now.
Thank you to all of you who’ve read here and been such very good friends. You’re all wonderful, and I can still be reached at email@example.com.