Advice to a new head cashier

Large denom­i­na­tions are change­able,
but when you’re out of pen­nies and ones, you’re in real trou­ble.
It’s an exis­ten­tial life les­son, sure,
we’re all alone in the end,
but mostly, just make sure you have enough pen­nies and ones.

The ladies with Prada purses and Louis Vuit­ton wal­lets
don’t always expect you to make an excep­tion for their returns.
The men in sweat­shirts, old jeans and sneak­ers do– some­times.
You’ll learn to ignore who’s buy­ing porn and mag­a­zines about hand­guns.
Peo­ple are just weird.

Every week­end and some Fri­day nights,
kids will run in the store and play on the esca­la­tor.
You will sound like every adult you ever hated who yelled “that’s not a toy,“
and you’ll grum­ble “where the hell are their par­ents” as you ring out each sale.
It’s okay.  I do it, too.

Milk choco­late bars, bags of cashews, plain almonds–
those sell like hot­cakes.
Mixed nuts, rasp­berry dark, pre-orders of some­thing we don’t have yet in stock?
Not so much.
But just like you love some of your fam­ily more than the oth­ers, push them all just the same.

Peo­ple will always swipe before you’ve totalled them out.
There are those who never make eye con­tact.
You will have a day, at least once a month, when you will be the only per­son
to smile at your cus­tomer, or look them in the eye, or com­pli­ment them on their sweater.
Com­pli­ment them on their sweater– even if the cus­tomer before was a jerk and you’re feel­ing grumpy.

You can’t make every­one happy– often, it’s not even your fault.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still try.
It’s pos­si­ble to spend every spare minute dust­ing or squar­ing off the dis­plays,
restock­ing best­sellers and mag­a­zines.
It’s okay to chat, veg out, write poetry, too.

The book alarm sys­tem and the microwave in the cafe sound almost the same–
you’ll learn the dif­fer­ence quickly enough.
And– this is a big­gie.  Just because they buy books,
doesn’t mean they have any taste.
We all mock the cus­tomers some­times– after they’re gone.

You will always buy too many books.
Gift and news will always look like a war zone five min­utes after you’ve tidied.
The bathroom’s through the mid­dle, in the back.
Call the man­ager on duty before you go on your break.
Our mem­ber­ship pro­gram really is a good deal– and don’t we all want to belong?

Still, though– make sure you have enough pen­nies and ones.