I start with a white onion and slicing it thinly, place the slices in a shallow bath of apple cider vinegar (just enough to cover them) before sprinkling them with sugar. Next I roast the elephant ear garlic and while that’s going on I slice the tomatoes. Once they’re done you’re ready to pan fry the pumpernickel in olive oil (of course) and drain exactly as you describe. Remove the roasted garlic when done, allow to cool and while it’s doing that you can drain the onions (you’ll find the vinegar and sugar removed much of the overpowering ‘onioniness’, leaving something not quite as sweet as a Vidalia, yet with a more robust flavor). Now it’s just a matter of assembly. Take the roast garlic and spread it on the bread, add a little sweet cream butter if you’d like (some prefer it), then a slice of onion, a slice or two of tomato, dress the tomatoes with balsamic vinegar, maybe a little olive oil and cracked pepper, and enjoy. I find the pumpernickel has a rich enough flavor to hold it’s own against the sweet roasted garlic, the sweet and tangy onion, and the heirloom tomatoes.

**(I may have drizzled some vinegar right onto some mozzarella slices all on their own and then eaten them with my bare hands and then licked my plate after all the bruschetta topping was done, but that would be kind of piggy and there’s no photographic proof to say that it happened. Just a Freudian slip in a blog post.)**

Of course, just a Freudian slip in a blog post. Right. And I for one have never been known to sit down with a half a round of caramelized camembert topped with macademia nuts, eat it with my fingers (which I do not licked clean before failing to wipe them on my pants) and washing it all down with a few draft ciders. No. Not me. We are united in our denial.

*yes i said yes i will yes*

Good luck with your mother — forgiveness is hard, but good.